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on why my friends and I are awesome

Hello internet!

First, I'd like to apologize for being a terrible blogger. I was doing so well in January. And then my life started to happen again. And then I was back to being terrible.

Sorry. I promise to explain that better in another post (that will happen sometime soon, I swear).

Moving on, this post is about why my friends and I are the bamf-iest people you know.

Why, you ask? Because we're doing a vlog. That's right, an honest to God video log. This vlog is called "Brunette on the Internet," and it's frakking spectacular. In this vlog, we talk about ourselves, about nerd stuff, and about life as we observe it. It's pretty amazing, not going to lie.

We're on youtube as "brunetteinternet" (pilot episode coming soon), and we're on twitter also as "brunettenet". You can now find me on twitter as "aliceonthenet". (I tweeted my first tweet today!) And you can find our various blogs on livejournal. Most importantly though, you should definitely follow us on youtube, as we would love you guys to watch us be funny!

I'll update on the past six months soon, and I'll post when our first video is up on youtube.

Love you guys!
aliceheist

alice heist: a list

Driver's License Basics:
Name: Alice Heist
Age: 17
Height: 5'4"
Weight: around 125
Born: April 11, 1992
Lives in: Northern California

Physical Characteristics:
Hair: wavy brown to below the collarbone, smells like lemon meringue pie
Eyes: on the fence between blue and green, black eyeliner on top lid and mascara
Skin: the color of milk with vanilla extract mixed in, smells like chlorine and roses
Figure: generally fit, though by no fault of my own
Cup Size: C
Nails: currently medium length and princess pink, skin torn at the corners
Lips: perpetually mildly chapped, sometimes glossed
Ears: single piercing (for now, I may get one more on my left ear.)
Neck: bony
Hips: protrusive
Posture: improving

How I View The World:
Life is: a tragic comedy
Love is: harder than it should be
I am: deeply human
         more than a brain
         full of life
Dreams: are the things that you should pursue. They are what will make you happy when you look back.
God: isn't real. He's a comforting thought, but only when not taken too seriously. Too many people have died in his name, but a lot of people have been saved in it too. God must be taken in moderation.
Politics: shouldn't fit into one of two boxes. Our political system has been polarized. The people who represent us don't represent our interests, but rather their party's. I've found that generally, the Republicans are worse at this, ex: the healthcare bill, where none of them would contribute to the forming of a bill. Democrats are still pretty damn bad. They may not vote as a block, but I don't think they vote according to what their districts want or need.
Books: are a safe harbor from the world.
Music: is the truest form of art and poetry. It speaks to the soul at such a personal level. Can't live without it.
Friends: are more valuable than any other commodity in the world. Having and keeping friends is an art that takes practice. Some get lost on the way to mastering the art, but some make the same mistakes and stay on the same path. 

Up Close and Personal:
My philosophy: Don't take anything too seriously, especially yourself. Make the effort to build the way towards your aspirations. Feel everything when it happens, and don't hold onto the bad feelings for too long. Make sure to laugh at all the absurdity that occurs around you.
The hardest thing: is to completely be myself in front of the world. I've been hiding my entire life: doing things for others and not for myself, stifling complaints, pretending to be more proper and well-behaved than any child should be. To let that guard down, to take down the walls and take off the mask I've been wearing all my life is the hardest habit to break. I'm terrified that the people I love and depend on will stop loving me if know all of me.
My greatest fear: is failure. Nothing shakes me to the core quite as much as the idea of making a mistake and missing out on the life I've been trying to build for myself for all these years.
My greatest hope: is to be happy with my life, and happily in love with someone who takes care of me and makes me feel safe and loved.
My dream: is to be an astrophysicist. I want to go to college and live as best as anyone could hope to for those years, while also learning about myself, the night sky, and the world. I want to fall hopelessly in love, make the closest friends I can, and be in the moment. I want to get married and have a family. I want to travel. I want to publish a novel. I want to experience life, because it probably only happens once.

Favorites:
Book (individual): Contact - Carl Sagan
Book (series): Chasing the Mathesons - JD Allen
Author: Margaret George
Parodist: Jonathan Swift
Color: royal purple
Time of Day: night
Type of Day: the ones that seem like morning until its evening. Overcast, maybe stormy. The sun never seems to shine at the right angle for it to be afternoon, and you can curl up all day with a good book and some hot food.
Sensation: summer sun resting on bare skin, the dip your heart makes right before you kiss someone you're crazy for
Scent: the smell of sleep. That smell that exudes from my pillows and blankets.
Drink: Thai Iced Tea
Food: Ryowa ramen
Snack: Goldfish crackers
Movie: Saved!
TV Show: Star Trek, Doctor Who
Trek: The Original Series
Doctor: Ten
Webcomic: XKCD, Hark! A Vagrant
Paper Comic: Bizarro, Rhymes with Orange
Decade: 1920's
Board Game: Clue, Monopoly, chess
Card Game: Egyptian Rat War, cribbage
Game: hide-and-seek, life-sized chess
Type of Moment: "Oh" moment - when what you couldn't understand just seconds before makes sense, victory moment - when you complete something that you've put a great deal of effort into, that simple pride you have during the moments after
Music: that I can connect with emotionally. Depends on the day, and my mood, but when I can click with the message in a song, I love it more.
Song: currently, "Hey Soul Sister" by Train
Musician: Sufjan Stevens
Band: Train
Show: Avenue Q
Thing to receive: something personal in the mail
Thing to do: write, look at the stars, read
Type of exercise: yoga, rock climbing, swimming, Ultimate
New passion: sewing

That's all I can think of at the moment. Enjoy my consolidated form.

aliceheist

on my Trek fish

So you know how I'm a ridiculous nerd? That still completely applies.

Most recently, I placed an order on roddenberry.com to snatch some of the necessary items for my uniform for the upcoming convention in San Francisco. But while I was there, I also got myself a Trek fish to stick on my car. Just so that everyone, including strangers in the fast lane, can know I'm a nerd.

The fish looks like any other Jesus fish with two minor variations. First, it says TREK in the middle. Secondly, attached to the tail of the fish are the engines of the Enterprise. Bask in its glory.

However, I knew when I was buying it that my mother would never allow me to stick a bumper sticker on my car. She's always told me that, if you put a sticker on your car, you better not ever want to take it off. Adhesive + weather + shiny car surface = damaged paint at removal. Whatever I do, I cannot simply stick a bumper sticker on the car, especially considering that A) it's a relatively new car, and B) my mom owns it, and will adopt its usage after I go to college.

So, you're wondering, what the hell am I going to do with a bumper sticker, and no bumper to stick it to? Never fear, there's a science-oriented nerd in the house!

What did I do? I did my research! Magnets stick to cars, and magnets don't damage the car's surface. Plan!

Today, I approached my astronomy teacher and casually asked him about sheet magnets. And what did he happen to have just the right amount of? A sheet magnet. So, together, Tobin and I traced and trimmed that baby down to size and stuck it to the back of my beautiful Trek fish.

Now all I need is a clean car, a clean magnet, and a flat place to display my nerd pride.

I've never been more excited.

on riverdance

Okay, last night I went to see Riverdance. Uh, what? Yeah, I wasn't too pepped about it to start with as A) I'm not Irish, and B) I don't dance - especially in rivers. I had nothing to relate to.
  
However, I went, and I dressed up, and it was good. I enjoyed myself greatly. Dance is always impressive, and this even seemed to tell a story. I like stories.
 
During this venture into Ireland's culture, I picked up a few bits and pieces of knowledge along the way. Here I shall share my discoveries.

1) The Irish have stuff to complain about. Apparently, they went through some hard times. Now, I don't know much about Ireland's history [as my dad gracefully said, "They miss their potatoes.], but I do know that they complain very eloquently, and that they seem pretty optimistic about their problems. I don't mind them. They were fun to vaguely hear about in song.

2) Irish men know how to dress. I would tap all of that. They wear their pants so well. Oh, and the suspenders and waistcoats, and slouchy button-up shirts! So. Good. I approve, men of Ireland. I approve.

3) You are a female soloist if: 
a) Your outfit is significantly brighter than anyone else's.
b) Your outfit is significantly darker than anyone else's.
c) Your outfit contains significantly more sparkles than anyone else's.

4) You are a male soloist if:
a) Your outfit is made entirely of leather.
b) Your outfit is made entirely of velvet.
c) Your outfit contains significantly more sparkles than anyone else's.

I hope my discoveries will be helpful to you, my minions. Enjoy the next Irish dancing event you attend.

hello to the new year!

Here I shall state my resolutions for the upcoming year. By posting in such a public forum, I can guarantee that people will be reading. Therefore, I can't back out. If I try to back out, I face humiliation in the public forum, you see. Fear is an excellent motivator. It's how I wrote a novel, and it's how I'm going to rock out the new year.

My Resolutions of 2010:

1) Stop biting my hands.

You know how some people bite their nails? Well I take nail biting to an extreme. I bite my nails and the skin around my nails. I have too much energy, and it's stored in my hands and an oral fixation. Biting my hands solves both problems.

However, this is a bad habit. It's not healthy, and it hurts. But bad habits are hard to break. I've tried a couple of times, but without the public humiliation problem.

A fresh start, a new year. I'm going to have the most beautiful hands by the start of February. I say February because I need time to effectively break the habit and time for my hands to heal. But just you wait! They're going to be amazing.

How can you help? If you know me, watch for it. Feel free to smack me everytime I start biting or picking at my hands. If you don't know me... well, you can think of something.

Moving on!

2) Obtain the diction of a princess.

I have a problem with speaking. My mind moved faster than my mouth., and then my mouth trips, and then I can't get what I want to say across.

I have decided to pointedly slow my mouth down. To take the time to think about getting the words out. Speaking slower. Speaking with dignity. Speaking like a princess. I figure it'll be a skill somewhere down the line.

3) Obtain the poise of a princess.

I have bad posture. Let's fix it, yeah?

How can you help? Again, more of an if-you-know-me deal. Manhandle me into having good posture. I'll thank you in the end. Tape a ruler to my back if you have to. I don't want to get scoliosis.

4) Work on living my life to the fullest.

As mentioned in my previous post, with my trust issues and issues in general, I don't get out much. But no more! I'm going to start living life for what it's worth. I've missed out on so much because I was trying to hard to reach my future. And I've realized that I'm going to get there pretty soon anyway. It's time to catch up on what I've missed. I'm going to have the best time.

So, internet people, I hold you and myself accountable. We're going to power through this, people of the tubes.

And when next year comes, I expect to have a whole new set of resolutions, and the pride of saying that I finished these off.

 


on loose ends

I have this nasty habit of putting my emotional needs aside so that I can forget that I have pain in my life. Due to this habit - and the fact that once you build your wall high enough, it will eventually tumble - I have recently rediscovered how seriously fucked beyond all repair I am.

Allow me to name the ways.

1) I'm terrified of commitment.

Have you ever been put in the situation where something is bad for you, but when you're doing it, you don't want to be doing anything else? When someone is hurting you everytime you see him, and hurting you whenever he's away from you, but you love him so much that it doesn't matter? Because when you're together, it feels like everything's alright again?

Well those kind of situations can mess you up, as I have learned. And experienced.

You see, when I loved him, and was doing everything I could to keep him, I was compromising myself. I was giving up who I was to keep him near me. And a fat lot of good it was doing me. He was cheating on me. When he wasn't with me, he was usually with somebody else. And I knew it. But I loved him. I thought he would change for me. I thought that given enough time, and enough of my love, he would realize that he didn't want all of them. And he'd want me again.

Well, point is that, after two years, I realized exactly what had happened. And, God, I was pissed. I was so pissed, that I didn't realize for months that I was actually heartbroken. I didn't realize I was heartbroken until I saw him drunk one night, and then it all came pouring out.

And even after all of that, I'm not over him. After all that I've been through with him, he was still the first person I loved, and that sticks with you, no matter how much you wish it wouldn't.

Because of all of that, I've been traumatized, in any classic sense of the word. Because I loved him so much, and gave up so much to be with him, I don't feel safe letting myself let my guard down around people anymore.

Love is scary. Love is more frightening than anything you can find in a nightmare. Because love is falling, and if he's not there to catch you, you'll get hurt.

I've only let one other person in since, and he broke my heart too. But, you know, so it goes. That's how love goes, right?

I'll learn. Someone will tear down that wall, and I won't be able to keep myself from falling into the palm of their hands.

2) Due to my fear of commitment, I seek flaws in other people to avoid getting close to them.

This is relatively self-explanatory. Whenever someone starts to get in, something in my sub-conscious goes off and tells me that they can't be right. Something starts to bug me, and then it drives me crazy, and then I can't stand it. I suppose it's a defense mechanism. But, it's also something that I can't really control, I've found. I've tried giving people the benefit of the doubt. But, eventually, something will get to me, and I can't cope with it. I have a low tolerance for humanity, and a high standard. A bad combination, if you think about it.

3) I try to remove my emotions from myself, because they hurt to much to deal with.

Probably from the same relationship as previously mentioned. Having emotions and feelings with a noncommittal partner is a sign of weakness, and a surefire way of making them leave faster. I know, because I am now the person that runs from emotions. After spending two years trying to subdivide my emotions away from myself, I've lost contact with them. They only pop up in times like these, when I need to figure myself out.

And that's what's truly happened. I've lost myself somewhere in the meantime of where I started - a naive girl just taking her first steps into the world of love - and where I am now - a cynic who can't even find the time to cry when her heart gets crushed, who only feels in tidal waves.

I don't want this way of existence for anyone. Take this long, ran of a post as a warning, for you and me. In time, I'll figure out how to get that back. How to find my way back into the world of emotions without breaking myself in the process. I'll heal.

Take this as a promise. I vow to take better care of my emotional self. To feel the world as it comes. To endure the pain, and celebrate the happiness. To live in the moment as the moment is happening.

I vow to vent more frequently, so I don't get myself stalled when I try to move past something that truly bothers me.

I vow to get my true self back, and be happy again.

Give me some time, friends, and you'll soon see me a changed woman. A happy, successful, and truly alive person.

You'll see.

P.S. I promise to get an entertaining, happy post out soon. I swear it. I bet tomorrow will be lively, yeah? Just you wait.

on heartless rejection

A couple of weeks ago, I was rejected from the school I had been praying to go to for almost three years. They had been the epitome of what I thought colleges should be and stand for. The gold standard that every other college had been compared to. And on that day, when I saw the thin envelope, I felt what it truly was to have your hopes taken from you. Everything I had dreamed of attaining had a starting point at Swarthmore. I cried for two days straight before I put on a brave face and acted like nothing was wrong anymore. Everyone admired at how fast I recovered and looked beyond it. But they didn't hear me cry myself to sleep. I had lost everything. I couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate. I missed school. I worked so hard in that building for nothing. All the time I spent losing my mind over Calculus, writing essays about pointless terrible books, giving up my life to get a better one later. Going back was returning to the scene of the crime. I couldn't take it. I couldn't play that game. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Of course, the pain has started to dull. It's not as painful to think about. I've started to move forward. Not to say that things really have gotten much better. I've picked myself up enough to do what I need to keep doing. I've stopped crying whenever it's mentioned. Mostly.

However, I have realized something. Even though I'm not going where I wanted to, even though that part of the dream has perished, I'm still going to do what I want. Just because I'm not following the same route, doesn't mean I'm going to get to the final destination.

So, here is my final decision. I'm going to follow an alternate path to get exactly where I want to, and that's going to be even better than what Swarthmore could have ever hoped to have given me an opportunity for. Then, when I'm a famous astrophysicist who is making great discoveries in the field, leading the way to the future, and being the most well-renowned modern-day scientist, I'll receive a phone call from Swarthmore asking if I want to give a lecture.

And you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to reject them.

on Jupiter

This year, I'm taking astronomy independent study. Meaning, with the help of a teacher, I've built my own class plan, and I work through all of these various lessons outside of a classroom and discipline myself into doing all the work.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying the class. I find astronomy fascinating.  Hence my current major of choice: astrophysics. 

However, the quarter project is getting to me. 

See, this first quarter, I've essentially had a splashdown introduction to all of the basic topics needed to understand astronomy. Scale of the universe, composition, laws that command composition and structure, basic objects, tools used, basic prominent history, et cetera, et cetera. I've also been doing some basic observation on prominent objects in the night sky, namely Jupiter and Jupiter's moons.

The project is to relate all of what I've learned from reading and note-taking into a poster about Jupiter. I have to tie everything I've learned to one planet. Obviously, there are some things that can't be covered [black holes, dark matter, the big bang...], but the expectation is that I tie as much as possible onto my shiny black poster-board.

Now, you'd be surprised to know that Jupiter is actually fairly well-charted. Like, we know a lot about Jupiter. We've sent probes to watch it, centered all kinds of telescopes to observe it. I mean, Galileo looked at Jupiter; it's obviously not that hard to get a good look at it if he could shake the entire world view of gravitation with the crap equipment he had in his time.

How the hell am I supposed to condense everything I've learned and everything there is to know onto one measly poster-board? Everything I know has pages of information on it. Whatever research I do takes a long time to dig through so that I can fit all the crap I'm supposed to onto the freaking poster. There's so much to know, and not enough space or time to do any of it justice.

And this is what determines my grade for this quarter.

Needless to say, I'm not a fan of the world at the moment. More specifically, I'm not a fan of that other world that's orbiting a planet apart from us. 

df, Jupiter. df.

alice heist

on speedos

Why is it that only old men where speedos? The ratio for flesh to uber tight spandex is way out of whack on this one. It should be the young hot guys [who always wear baggy surf shorts or whatever] squeezing their genitalia into a size that doesn't fit, and the old guys who just want to be comfortable in the baggy shorts.

And there's so many of them! Old guys are popping into the competition pool like babies out of Octomom's uterus. Welcome to the world! Welcome to lane five!

It's great that these guys who have been swimming at the Rec Center pool since Vietnam are joining the ranks of regulars at the new pool. Cool, business is good for my paycheck, you know? 

I just really wish I didn't have to see their spider-veined and cellulited legs at 5:30 in the morning. It would improve my day if they could just be little old people in Hawaiian print swim trunks. Because that would be adorable.

This is a problem that must be dealt with at work. Sanctions must be passed.

Other problem: we need young hot guys to fill category A. And to watch very closely while in my scanning zone. Damn small town.

alice heist

on posh

So, my friends and I went to the mall this weekend. I was visiting their area, and that was the closest meeting place for a few hours. Besides, I needed to buy my brother a birthday present anyhow. And thusly we wandered about this shopping center.

Now, the point that must be stated is that this mall is in a ridiculously rich area. Ergo, everything in the mall is ridiculously overpriced.

Being as we're teenagers and can't afford much even with a job and a hefty paycheck, we couldn't afford much in the mall. So, after a few hours of wandering, our day had deteriorated into a mall-wide game of "The Price is Right."

This was at its crux at Neiman Marcus, where we ABSOLUTELY could not afford even the smallest tube of lipgloss.

So here we were, typical upper-middle class teenagers [dressed thusly] in Neiman Marcus. We went upstairs and found ourselves in the dress section. Oh, and we were excited, as everything was just extravagant. Our game was going to be the best it could here.

This saleswoman is in the area and is inspired to do her job and offer us help. She straightens the Dolce & Gabbana, and moves towards us giggling.

Now, I must point out what we were wearing. Alison was in a plaid button up and jeans, holding a tote that sported a cartoon of some variety on it. Julia was wearing a screenprinted shirt and a neon yellow cardigan, and blue jeans, Mickey Mouse tote in hand.

And I - I was in a Star Trek tee-shirt, cut-off jeans and knee-high socks, breaking knit purse on my shoulder, and a black cloche on my head.

Back to the story: this woman approaches us, and immediately singles me out. She looks me up and down [in my horridly unfashionable state] and gets this slightly disgusted look on her face. Her lips purse like she's failing to hide how superior her fashion is to mine. Then she says:

"Cute. I like your hat."

Somehow, through how offended I am, I manage to curtly thank her, and we move past.

Can you believe that? If you want to be condescending and maintain your job, tell your posh friends over a couple cosmos that night. Don't blatantly turn away someone inside the store!

A spark has been lit. The next time all of us lovely ladies are in the area, we're going to go shopping. We're going to dress the part of the rich, and harrass Neiman Marcus employees like nobody's business. And I'm going to try to find her, and tell her that she looks cute, with that same rotten-fruit-in-my-fridge expression that she had.

Redemption is coming, Neiman Marcus. And it's wearing heels and bag from Coach.

aliceheist

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